Whatever favors you granted must proceed from pure regard.No betrothed virgin ever gave the object of her choice kisses,caresses more modest or more bewitching than those you have given me a thousand and a thousand times.Could I have thought I should ever live to believe them an inhuman mockery of one who had the sincerest regard for you?Do you think they will not now turn to rank poison in my veins,and kill me,soul and body?You say it is friendship--but if this is friendship,I'll forswear love.Ah!Sarah!it must be something more or less than friendship.If your caresses are sincere,they shew fondness--if they are not,I must be more than indifferent to you.Indeed you once let some words drop,as if I were out of the question in such matters,and you could trifle with me with impunity.Yet you complain at other times that no one ever took such liberties with you as I have done.I remember once in particular your saying,as you went out at the door in anger--"I had an attachment before,but that person never attempted anything of the kind."Good God!How did I dwell on that word BEFORE,thinking it implied an attachment to me also;but you have since disclaimed any such meaning.You say you have never professed more than esteem.Yet once,when you were sitting in your old place,on my knee,embracing and fondly embraced,and I asked you if you could not love,you made answer,"I could easily say so,whether I did or not--YOUS HOULD JUDGE BY MY ACTIONS!"And another time,when you were in the same posture,and I reproached you with indifference,you replied in these words,"Do I SEEM INDIFFERENT?"Was I to blame after this to indulge my passion for the loveliest of her ***?Or what can I think?
S.I am no prude,Sir.
H.Yet you might be taken for one.So your mother said,"It was hard if you might not indulge in a little levity."She has strange notions of levity.But levity,my dear,is quite out of character in you.Your ordinary walk is as if you were performing some religious ceremony:you come up to my table of a morning,when you merely bring in the tea-things,as if you were advancing to the altar.You move in minuet-time:you measure every step,as if you were afraid of offending in the smallest things.I never hear your approach on the stairs,but by a sort of hushed silence.When you enter the room,the Graces wait on you,and Love waves round your person in gentle undulations,breathing balm into the soul!By Heaven,you are an angel!You look like one at this instant!Do I not adore you--and have I merited this return?
S.I have repeatedly answered that question.You sit and fancy things out of your own head,and then lay them to my charge.There is not a word of truth in your suspicions.
H.Did I not overhear the conversation down-stairs last night,to which you were a party?Shall I repeat it?
S.I had rather not hear it!
H.Or what am I to think of this story of the footman?
S.It is false,Sir,I never did anything of the sort.
H.Nay,when I told your mother I wished she wouldn't (as I heard she did)she said "Oh,there's nothing in that,for Sarah very often,"and your doing so before company,is only a trifling addition to the sport.
S.I'll call my mother,Sir,and she shall contradict you.
H.Then she'll contradict herself.But did not you boast you were "very persevering in your resistance to gay young men,"and had been "several times obliged to ring the bell?"Did you always ring it?Or did you get into these dilemmas that made it necessary,merely by the demureness of your looks and ways?Or had nothing else passed?Or have you two characters,one that you palm off upon me,and another,your natural one,that you resume when you get out of the room,like an actress who throws aside her artificial part behind the scenes?Did you not,when I was courting you on the staircase the first night Mr.C----came,beg me to desist,for if the new lodger heard us,he'd take you for a light character?Was that all?Were you only afraid of being TAKEN for a light character?Oh!Sarah!
S.I'll stay and hear this no longer.
H.Yes,one word more.Did you not love another?
S.Yes,and ever shall most sincerely.
H.Then,THAT is my only hope.If you could feel this sentiment for him,you cannot be what you seem to me of late.But there is another thing I had to say--be what you will,I love you to distraction!You are the only woman that ever made me think she loved me,and that feeling was so new to me,and so delicious,that it "will never from my heart."Thou wert to me a little tender flower,blooming in the wilderness of my life;and though thou should'st turn out a weed,I'll not fling thee from me,while I can help it.Wert thou all that I dread to think--wert thou a wretched wanderer in the street,covered with rags,disease,and infamy,I'd clasp thee to my bosom,and live and die with thee,my love.Kiss me,thou little sorceress!
S.NEVER.
H.Then go:but remember I cannot live without you--nor I will not.
