BEING DETECTIVES
The next thing that happened to us was very interesting. It was as real as the half-crowns - not just pretending. I shall try to write it as like a real book as I can. Of course we have read Mr Sherlock Holmes, as well as the yellow-covered books with pictures outside that are so badly printed; and you get them for fourpence-halfpenny at the bookstall when the corners of them are beginning to curl up and get dirty, with people looking to see how the story ends when they are waiting for trains. I think this is most unfair to the boy at the bookstall. The books are written by a gentleman named Gaboriau, and Albert's uncle says they are the worst translations in the world - and written in vile English. Of course they're not like Kipling, but they're jolly good stories.
And we had just been reading a book by **** Diddlington - that's not his right name, but I know all about libel actions, so I shall not say what his name is really, because his books are rot. Only they put it into our heads to do what I am going to narrate.
It was in September, and we were not to go to the seaside because it is so expensive, even if you go to Sheerness, where it is all tin cans and old boots and no sand at all. But every one else went, even the people next door - not Albert's side, but the other.
Their servant told Eliza they were all going to Scarborough, and next day sure enough all the blinds were down and the shutters up, and the milk was not left any more. There is a big horse-chestnut tree between their garden and ours, very useful for getting conkers out of and for ****** stuff to rub on your chilblains. This prevented our seeing whether the blinds were down at the back as well, but ****y climbed to the top of the tree and looked, and they were.
It was jolly hot weather, and very stuffy indoors - we used to play a good deal in the garden. We made a tent out of the kitchen clothes-horse and some blankets off our beds, and though it was quite as hot in the tent as in the house it was a very different sort of hotness. Albert's uncle called it the Turkish Bath. It is not nice to be kept from the seaside, but we know that we have much to be thankful for. We might be poor little children living in a crowded alley where even at summer noon hardly a ray of sunlight penetrates; clothed in rags and with bare feet - though I do not mind holes in my clothes myself, and bare feet would not be at all bad in this sort of weather. Indeed we do, sometimes, when we are playing at things which require it. It was shipwrecked mariners that day, I remember, and we were all in the blanket tent. We had just finished eating the things we had saved, at the peril of our lives, from the st-sinking vessel. They were rather nice things.
Two-pennyworth of coconut candy - it was got in Greenwich, where it is four ounces a penny - three apples, some macaroni - the straight sort that is so useful to suck things through - some raw rice, and a large piece of cold suet pudding that Alice nicked from the larder when she went to get the rice and macaroni. And when we had finished some one said -'I should like to be a detective.'
I wish to be quite fair, but I cannot remember exactly who said it.
Oswald thinks he said it, and Dora says it was ****y, but Oswald is too much of a man to quarrel about a little thing like that.
'I should like to be a detective,' said - perhaps it was ****y, but I think not - 'and find out strange and hidden crimes.'
'You have to be much cleverer than you are,' said H. O.
'Not so very,' Alice said, 'because when you've read the books you know what the things mean: the red hair on the handle of the knife, or the grains of white powder on the velvet collar of the villain's overcoat. I believe we could do it.'
'I shouldn't like to have anything to do with murders,' said Dora;
'somehow it doesn't seem safe -'
'And it always ends in the poor murderer being hanged,' said Alice.
We explained to her why murderers have to be hanged, but she only said, 'I don't care. I'm sure no one would ever do murdering twice. Think of the blood and things, and what you would see when you woke up in the night! I shouldn't mind being a detective to lie in wait for a gang of coiners, now, and spring upon them unawares, and secure them - single-handed, you know, or with only my faithful bloodhound.'
She stroked Pincher's ears, but he had gone to sleep because he knew well enough that all the suet pudding was finished. He is a very sensible dog.
'You always get hold of the wrong end of the stick,' Oswald said.
'You can't choose what crimes you'll be a detective about. You just have to get a suspicious circumstance, and then you look for a clue and follow it up. Whether it turns out a murder or a missing will is just a fluke.'
'That's one way,' ****y said. 'Another is to get a paper and find two advertisements or bits of news that fit. Like this: "Young Lady Missing," and then it tells about all the clothes she had on, and the gold locket she wore, and the colour of her hair, and all that; and then in another piece of the paper you see, "Gold locket found," and then it all comes out.'
We sent H. O. for the paper at once, but we could not make any of the things fit in. The two best were about how some burglars broke into a place in Holloway where they made preserved tongues and invalid delicacies, and carried off a lot of them. And on another page there was, 'Mysterious deaths in Holloway.'
Oswald thought there was something in it, and so did Albert's uncle when we asked him, but the others thought not, so Oswald agreed to drop it. Besides, Holloway is a long way off. All the time we were talking about the paper Alice seemed to be thinking about something else, and when we had done she said -'I believe we might be detectives ourselves, but I should not like to get anybody into trouble.'
'Not murderers or robbers?' ****y asked.
'It wouldn't be murderers,' she said; 'but I have noticed something strange. Only I feel a little frightened. Let's ask Albert's uncle first.'
Alice is a jolly sight too fond of asking grown-UP people things.
And we all said it was tommyrot, and she was to tell us.
