(Exeunt King and Zara in one direction, Lifeguardsmen and crowd in opposite direction.Enter, at back, Scaphio and Phantis, who watch Zara as she goes off.Scaphio is seated, shaking violently, and obviously under the influence of some strong emotion.)Phantis: There--tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful? Can you wonder that I love her so passionately?
Scaphio: No.She is extraordinarily--miraculously lovely! Good heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl!
Phantis: I knew you would say so!
Scaphio: What exquisite charm of manner! What surprising delicacy of gesture! Why, she's a goddess! a very goddess!
Phantis: (rather taken aback) Yes--she's--she's an attractive girl.
Scaphio: Attractive? Why, you must be blind!--She's entrancing--enthralling--intoxicating! (Aside) God bless my heart, what's the matter with me?
Phantis: (alarmed) Yes.You--you promised to help me to get her father's consent, you know.
Scaphio: Promised! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my good boy!
It is she--my ideal! Why, what's this? (Staggering)Phantis! Stop me--I'm going mad--mad with the love of her!
Phantis: Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg.The girl is perfectly opaque! Besides, remember--each of us is helpless without the other.You can't succeed without my consent, you know.
Scaphio: And you dare to threaten? Oh, ungrateful! When you came to me, palsied with love for this girl, and implored my assis-tance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it? And this is the return you make? Out of my sight, ingrate! (Aside)Dear!
dear! what is the matter with me? (Enter Capt.
Fitzbattleaxe and Zara)
Zara: Dear me.I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete.
Scaphio: (breathlessly) No, no.You come very appropriately.To be brief, we--we love you--this man and I--madly--passionately!
Zara: Sir!
Scaphio: And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is to marry you.
Fitz.:Zara, this is very awkward.
Scaphio: (very much overcome) I--I am paralyzed by the singular radiance of your extraordinary loveliness.I know I am incoherent.I never was like this before--it shall not occur again.I--shall be fluent, presently.
Zara: (aside) Oh, dear, Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to be done?
Fitz.:(aside) Leave it to me--I'll manage it.(Aloud) It's a common situation.Why not settle it in the English fashion?
Both: The English fashion? What is that?
Fitz.:It's very ******.In England, when two gentlemen are in love with the same lady, and until it is settled which gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is provided, by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act, that the lady shall be entrusted to an officer of Household Cavalry as stakeholder, who is bound to hand her over to the survivor (on the Tontine principle) in a good condition of substantial and decorative repair.
Scaphio: Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?
Fitz.:Exactly.
Phantis: Well, that seems very reasonable.(To Scaphio) What do you say--Shall we entrust her to this officer of Household Cavalry? It will give us time.
Scaphio: (trembling violently) I--I am not at present in a condition to think it out coolly--but if he is an officer of Household Cavalry, and if the Princess consents---Zara: Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative--under the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act!
Fitz.:Good--then that's settled.
QUARTET
Fitzbattleaxe, Zara, Scaphio, and Phantis.
Fitz.: It's understood, I think, all round That, by the English custom bound I hold the lady safe and sound In trust for either rival, Until you clearly testify By sword and pistol, by and by, Which gentleman prefers to die, And which prefers survival.
ENSEMBLE
Sca.and Phan.Zara and FitzIts clearly understood all round We stand, I think, on safish ground That, by your English custom bound Our senses weak it will astound He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found In trust for either rival,Prepared to meet his rival.
Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy;By sword or pistol, by and byWe won't be parted, you and I--Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather shy--Which prefers survival.They both prefer survivalPhan.: If I should die and he should live (aside to Fitz.)To you, without reserve, I give Her heart so young and sensitive, And all her predilections.
Sca.: If he should live and I should die, (aside to Fitz.)I see no kind of reason why You should not, if you wish it, try To gain her young affections.
ENSEMBLE
Sca.and Phant.Fitz and ZaraIf I should die and you should live As both of us are positive To this young officer I give That both of them intend to live, Her heart so soft and sensitive, There's nothing in the case to give And all her predilections.Us cause for grave reflections.
If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither die I see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason why He should not, if he chooses, tryI should not, if I wish it, try To win her young affections.To gain your young affections!
(Exit Scaphio and Phantis together)
DUET -- Zara and FitzbattleaxeEnsemble: Oh admirable art!
Oh, neatly-planned intention!
Oh, happy intervention--
Oh, well constructed plot!
When sages try to part Two loving hearts in fusion, Their wisdom's delusion, And learning serves them not!
Fitz.: Until quit plain Is their intent, These sages twain I represent.
Now please infer That, nothing loth, You're henceforth, as it were, Engaged to marry both--Then take it that I represent the two--On that hypothesis, what would you do?
Zara.(aside): What would I do? what would I do?
(To Fitz.) In such a case, Upon your breast, My blushing face I think I'd rest--(doing so)Then perhaps I might Demurely say--"I find this breastplate bright Is sorely in the way!"Fitz.: Our mortal race Is never blest--There's no such case As perfect rest;Some petty blight Asserts its sway--
Some crumbled roseleaf light Is always in the way!
(Exit Fitzbattleaxe.Manet Zara.)
(Enter King.)
