LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, is there a Bible in the house?
TARLETON. Stacks of em. Theres the family Bible, and the Dore Bible, and the parallel revised version Bible, and the Doves Press Bible, and Johnny's Bible and Bobby's Bible and Patsy's Bible, and the Chickabiddy's Bible and my Bible; and I daresay the servants could raise a few more between them. Let her have the lot.
MRS TARLETON. Dont talk like that before Lord Summerhays, John.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. It doesnt matter, Mrs Tarleton: in Jinghiskahn it was a punishable offence to expose a Bible for sale. The empire has no religion.
Lina comes in. She has left her cap in Hypatia's room. She stops on the landing just inside the door, and speaks over the handrail.
LINA. Oh, Mrs Tarleton, shall I be ****** myself very troublesome if I ask for a music-stand in my room as well?
TARLETON. Not at all. You can have the piano if you like. Or the gramophone. Have the gramophone.
LINA. No, thank you: no music.
MRS TARLETON. [going to the steps] Do you think it's good for you to eat so many oranges? Arnt you afraid of getting jaundice?
LINA. [coming down] Not in the least. But billiard balls will do quite as well.
MRS TARLETON. But you cant eat billiard balls, child!
TARLETON. Get em, Chickabiddy. I understand. [He imitates a juggler tossing up balls]. Eh?
LINA. [going to him, past his wife] Just so.
TARLETON. Billiard balls and cues. Plates, knives, and forks. Two paraffin lamps and a hatstand.
LINA. No: that is popular low-class business. In our family we touch nothing but classical work. Anybody can do lamps and hatstands.
I can do silver bullets. That is really hard. [She passes on to Lord Summerhays, and looks gravely down at him as he sits by the writing table].
MRS TARLETON. Well, I'm sure I dont know what youre talking about;and I only hope you know yourselves. However, you shall have what you want, of course. [She goes up the steps and leaves the room].
LORD SUMMERHAYS. Will you forgive my curiosity? What is the Bible for?
LINA. To quiet my soul.
LORD SUMMERHAYS [with a sigh] Ah yes, yes. It no longer quiets mine, I am sorry to say.
LINA. That is because you do not know how to read it. Put it up before you on a stand; and open it at the Psalms. When you can read them and understand them, quite quietly and happily, and keep six balls in the air all the time, you are in perfect condition; and youll never make a mistake that evening. If you find you cant do that, then go and pray until you can. And be very careful that evening.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. Is that the usual form of test in your profession?
LINA. Nothing that we Szczepanowskis do is usual, my lord.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. Are you all so wonderful?
LINA. It is our profession to be wonderful.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. Do you never condescend to do as common people do?
For instance, do you not pray as common people pray?
LINA. Common people do not pray, my lord: they only beg.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. You never ask for anything?
LINA. No.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. Then why do you pray?
LINA. To remind myself that I have a soul.
TARLETON. [walking about] True. Fine. Good. Beautiful. All this damned materialism: what good is it to anybody? Ive got a soul:
dont tell me I havnt. Cut me up and you cant find it. Cut up a steam engine and you cant find the steam. But, by George, it makes the engine go. Say what you will, Summerhays, the divine spark is a fact.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. Have I denied it?
TARLETON. Our whole civilization is a denial of it. Read Walt Whitman.
LORD SUMMERHAYS. I shall go to the billiard room and get the balls for you.
LINA. Thank you.
Lord Summerhays goes out through the vestibule door.
TARLETON. [going to her] Listen to me. [She turns quickly].
What you said just now was beautiful. You touch chords. You appeal to the poetry in a man. You inspire him. Come now! Youre a woman of the world: youre independent: you must have driven lots of men crazy. You know the sort of man I am, dont you? See through me at a glance, eh?
LINA. Yes. [She sits down quietly in the chair Lord Summerhays has just left].
TARLETON. Good. Well, do you like me? Dont misunderstand me: I'm perfectly aware that youre not going to fall in love at first sight with a ridiculous old shopkeeper. I cant help that ridiculous old shopkeeper. I have to carry him about with me whether I like it or not. I have to pay for his clothes, though I hate the cut of them:
especially the waistcoat. I have to look at him in the glass while I'm shaving. I loathe him because hes a living lie. My soul's not like that: it's like yours. I want to make a fool of myself. About you. Will you let me?
LINA. [very calm] How much will you pay?
TARLETON. Nothing. But I'll throw as many sovereigns as you like into the sea to shew you that I'm in earnest.
LINA. Are those your usual terms?
TARLETON. No. I never made that bid before.
LINA. [producing a dainty little book and preparing to write in it]
What did you say your name was?
TARLETON. John Tarleton. The great John Tarleton of Tarleton's Underwear.
LINA. [writing] T-a-r-l-e-t-o-n. Er--? [She looks up at him inquiringly].
TARLETON. [promptly] Fifty-eight.
LINA. Thank you. I keep a list of all my offers. I like to know what I'm considered worth.
TARLETON. Let me look.
LINA. [offering the book to him] It's in Polish.
TARLETON. Thats no good. Is mine the lowest offer?
LINA. No: the highest.
TARLETON. What do most of them come to? Diamonds? Motor cars?
Furs? Villa at Monte Carlo?
LINA. Oh yes: all that. And sometimes the devotion of a lifetime.
TARLETON. Fancy that! A young man offering a woman his old age as a temptation!
LINA. By the way, you did not say how long.
TARLETON. Until you get tired of me.
LINA. Or until you get tired of me?
TARLETON. I never get tired. I never go on long enough for that.
But when it becomes so grand, so inspiring that I feel that everything must be an anti-climax after that, then I run away.
LINA. Does she let you go without a struggle?
TARLETON. Yes. Glad to get rid of me. When love takes a man as it takes me--when it makes him great--it frightens a woman.
LINA. The lady here is your wife, isnt she? Dont you care for her?
