MAGDALEN'S APPRENTICESHIP.
"MR.JULIAN GRAY has asked me to tell him, and to tell you, Mr.Holmcroft, how my troubles began.They began before my recollection.They began with my birth.
"My mother (as I have heard her say) ruined her prospects, when she was quite a young girl, by a marriage with one of her father's servants --the groom who rode out with her.She suffered, poor creature, the usual penalty of such conduct as hers.After a short time she and her husband were separated--on the condition of her sacrificing to the man whom she had married the whole of the little fortune that she possessed in her right.
"Gaining her *******, my mother had to gain her daily bread next.Her family refused to take her back.She attached herself to a company of strolling players.
"She was earning a bare living in this way, when my father accidentally met with her.He was a man of high rank, proud of his position, and well known in the society of that time for his many accomplishments and his refined tastes.My mother's beauty fascinated him.He took her from the strolling players, and surrounded her with every luxury that a woman could desire in a house of her own.
"I don't know how long they lived together.I only know that my father, at the time of my first recollections, had abandoned her.She had excited his suspicions of her fidelity--suspicions which cruelly wronged her, as she declared to her dying day.I believed her, because she was my mother.But I cannot expect others to do as I did--I can only repeat what she said.My father left her absolutely penniless.He never saw her again; and he refused to go to her when she sent to him in her last moments on earth.
"She was back again among the strolling players when I first remember her.It was not an unhappy time for me.I was the favorite pet and plaything of the poor actors.They taught me to sing and to dance at an age when other children are just beginning to learn to read.At five years old I was in what is called 'the profession,' and had made my poor little reputation in booths at country fairs.As early as that, Mr.Holmcroft, I had begun to live under an assumed name--the prettiest name they could invent for me 'to look well in the bills.' It was sometimes a hard struggle for us, in bad seasons, to keep body and soul together.Learning to sing and dance in public often meant learning to bear hunger and cold in private, when I was apprenticed to the stage.And yet I have lived to look back on my days with the strolling players as the happiest days of my life!
"I was ten years old when the first serious misfortune that I can remember fell upon me.My mother died, worn out in the prime of her life.And not long afterward the strolling company, brought to the end of its resources by a succession of bad seasons, was broken up.
"I was left on the world, a nameless, penniless outcast, with one fatal inheritance--God knows, I can speak of it without vanity, after what I have gone through!--the inheritance of my mother's beauty.
"My only friends were the poor starved-out players.Two of them (husband and wife) obtained engagements in another company, and I was included in the bargain The new manager by whom I was employed was a drunkard and a brute.One night I made a trifling mistake in the course of the performances--and I was savagely beaten for it.Perhaps I had inherited some of my father's spirit--without, I hope, also inheriting my father's pitiless nature.However that may be, I resolved (no matter what became of me) never again to serve the man who had beaten me.I unlocked the door of our miserable lodging at daybreak the next morning; and, at ten years old, with my little bundle in my hand, I faced the world alone.
"My mother had confided to me, in her last moments, my father's name and the address of his house in London.'He may feel some compassion for you' (she said), 'though he feels none for me: try him.' I had a few shillings, the last pitiful remains of my wages, in my pocket; and I was not far from London.But I never went near my father: child as I was, I would have starved and died rather than go to him.I had loved my mother dearly; and I hated the man who had turned his back on her when she lay on her deathbed.It made no difference to Me that he happened to be my father.
"Does this confession revolt you? You look at me, Mr.Holmcroft, as if it did.
"Think a little, sir.Does what I have just said condemn me as a heartless creature, even in my earliest years? What is a father to a child--when the child has never sat on his knee, and never had a kiss or a present from him? If we had met in the street, we should not have known each other.Perhaps in after-days, when I was starving in London, I may have begged of my father without knowing it; and he may have thrown his daughter a penny to get rid of her, without knowing it either! What is there sacred in the relations between father and child, when they are such relations as these? Even the flowers of the field cannot grow without light and air to help them! How is a child's love to grow, with nothing to help it?
"My small savings would have been soon exhausted, even if I had been old enough and strong enough to protect them myself.As things were, my few shillings were taken from me by gypsies.I had no reason to complain.They gave me food and the shelter of their tents, and they made me of use to them in various ways.After a while hard times came to the gypsies, as they had come to the strolling players.Some of them were imprisoned; the rest were dispersed.It was the season for hop-gathering at the time.I got employment among the hop-pickers next; and that done, I went to London with my new friends.
